Thursday, June 29, 2006


I'm sick. And have a day off. And am on cold and flu meds. A combination that has led me to the couch and watching the best that Sky has to offer. If movies are to be beleived (and the Codrol is making me suspect they are), then I have some serious changes to make.... of which the Top Ten are:

10. Its completely normal for a mole to change from one side of my face to the other, for my shirt buttons operate of their own free will, or for my hair to re-arrange itself wildly in the space of a few seconds. No-one will comment or look strangely at me, or point out that I appear to have been the victim of an invisible stylist.
9. When I have finished a phone conversation, I must take the receiver from my ear and look intently at it for a few seconds, before replacing it on the cradle.
8. Men have nipples but no chest hair. Women have no nipples, and no body hair at all. When lying in bed, the sheet must reach the waist of the lad, and the armpits of the lass. I need to go out and purchase movie sheets. I'll consider the radical surgery/hair removal options later.
7. Whenever two people kiss, the music that has been playing softly in the background should swell to a sudden crescendo. We all need to start wearing headphones all the time, and reach for the volume control at the moment of lip lock.
6.My morning bedhead is never out of control, but is always cute in a kind of girlishly messy way. It needs to be, because the man must to smile at me in a tender loving way, and ruffle it. I am not allowed to smack him at this point.
5. Drugs are bad, apart from marijuana, which is merely amusing. Cigarettes are kind of cool, but immediately identify me as a potential bad girl, or a good girl in need of a savior. Alcohol is ok, but only one glass. Any more than that, and the film/life will involve Alcoholica Anonyma.
4.Which is ok, because that's a great place too. Within a week, I will realise what a mess my life has become and manage to completely turn it around, with the help of a handsome brooding artist/scruffy rock god/geeky intellectual type, with whom I shall then live happily ever after with, in a booze free, higher power lovin', twelve steppin' life. Word.
3.Anybody speaking in a foreign accent needs to be closely monitored. I'm not saying they are a spy. Or a terrorist. Or a member of a foreign royal family. But the fact remains that I need to treat them as if they are, because that's the only way to lull the *real* spies/terrorists/royalty into a false sense of security, and bring them out of hiding. The real spies/terrorists/royalty will then speak in their true, foreign accent, which they were taught to hide at spy/terrorist/royalty school, and can be identified. And tortured/shot/married.
2. Identify the country you live in. In America, the lead character is entitled to a vanilla happy ending. In the UK, they may be bound for despair, but they'll get there with humour and irony, which has its advantages from an aesthetic point of view. In India, the ability to break into mass song and dance routines is mandatory. In NZ, it's a bit of a lottery. You may end up losing a finger, your entire family, swinging from the Empire States building, wrestling with a camp hobbit, running mad in a yellow mini, or just getting very, very very drunk. I may move to France, where I'll be very unhappy, but look ever so stylish.
1. As a female of a scientific persuasion, I am letting my side down. I apologise profusely, and shall henceforth go out and practise in my tailored labcoat, designer skirt, long loose hair and expensive glasses. I have taken Physics for Veterinary Studies 101, which equips me to dismantle an atomic bomb, jump start a lambourgini, and hack into the security system of the UN and Interpol. I vow to always look serious or concerned, as a true scientist should. I am only allowed to smile at the end of the movie, when I turn up the volume on my headphones.

I'm turning the TV off now.

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