Irony - Noun
1. A situation in which something which was intended to have a particular result has the opposite or a very different result.
2. A means of expression which suggests a different, usually humorous or angry, meaning for the words used.
Maiden - Noun
1. A girl or young woman.
2. Of or about the first of its type.
3. An aunt who is not married and is no longer young.
4. An over in cricket in which no runs are scored.
'Built-in bra'. What I hear - "Hey! Look! I'm a cute little strappy top, but don't worry! I come with underwiring and hooks and eyelets and space age stretchy stuff, and I'm going to lift and separate, without extra straps showing at your shoulders!" The reality - "Hahaa! I fooled you! I'm actually a weird ass flap of fabric with a band of thick elastic wrapping around your rib cage. I'm going to sit so low and tight that I end up transecting your liver, while you enjoy how attractive a mono-boob can be! I'll create random indentations along your torso! You're going to spend all day adjusting me as I slip up and down, and everyone will see the straps of the real bra you're going to have to wear, so you gotta coordinate too! And, just for kicks, I'm going to get stuck when you try to take me off, so you have to hop around with your shirt pulled over your head in the gym changing room!"
- Coffee tastes better if you add water to your cup after the kettle has boiled, not before. - Once you have achieved the crucial boiling process, the kettle then goes back onto the hob. It is not instead placed in the fridge, and certainly does not go on top of a packet of pre-sliced honey smoked deli ham. - I thought you weren't eating non-freerange ham anyway, what's that doing in there? - Twilight is really a fairly crappy book, and did not merit you staying up until 4.30am to finish it. Now you have a cup of cold gritty coffee, and a singed packet of battery farmed ham. Get more sleep.
I like to think I have a reasonable cage-side manner. I talk in a soothing voice. I handle my patients gently, distract them with yummy treats and belly rubs, and use lots and lots of happy drugs. But then, you see, I am a vet. And, besides the fact that I genuinely like animals, and like being able to talk to them and give them belly rubs, my patients Bite. If I stomped into the room, slammed the door behind them, chucked them onto a cold table, poked the sore bit and plunged a needle into it, I would get Bitten. And I would deserve it too. I think more of us need to bite doctors, to teach them some manners. (Although I'll pass on the belly rub).
I think there is only one video store clerk in the world. Every time I walk in the door, I glance nervously at the counter, hoping that this time there will be someone different there. A pimply faced school-kid. A mumsy type in a flowery dress. A skin-head with a face full of metal and tattoos. I got lucky last time, and came in to find a sleepy Rasta on duty - I squeaked for joy, and instantly grabbed handfuls of rom-coms and feel good flicks. But my luck was shortlived, and this time, its him. Lounging behind the counter, watching 'Dr Strangelove', grungily sexy in his op shop castaways and battered fedora. Damn it! I grudgingly pick out 'Last Year at Marienbad' and 'Dogville'. I waver for a moment over 'Once': I really want to see it, but despite it initially being shown at a film festival, it was later released in mainstream cinema, so no, it goes back on the shelf. My relaxing night in has just turned into another enlightening evening of the intricacies of Danish cinematography. I wish I could get what I really need to numb my mind and soothe my weary soul, but I can’t face the look of scorn that would appear if I offered up 'Love Actually'. I hand over my selection, knowing that this time I’m safe. "There’s a $16 late charge on your account for 'The Jane Austen Book Club', 'PS, I Love You', and '27 Dresses'. Do you want to pay that now?"
I hate weight watchers. I was raised on the idea that if you were hungry, you should eat a piece of fruit to tide you over to the next meal. (I was also raised on the clean your plate, bread is evil, and god doesn't like fat kids idea, but that's a whole nuther story). But in weight watchers, fruit carries points. Yoghurt carries even more. And god forbid you even look sideways at a piece of whole-grain bread, lest it smite thee. I accept the idea of accountability. I relish the idea of balance and moderation. But I can't get over the concept of evil fruit.