Thursday, January 29, 2009

Memo to self -

- Coffee tastes better if you add water to your cup after the kettle has boiled, not before.
- Once you have achieved the crucial boiling process, the kettle then goes back onto the hob. It is not instead placed in the fridge, and certainly does not go on top of a packet of pre-sliced honey smoked deli ham.
- I thought you weren't eating non-freerange ham anyway, what's that doing in there?
- Twilight is really a fairly crappy book, and did not merit you staying up until 4.30am to finish it. Now you have a cup of cold gritty coffee, and a singed packet of battery farmed ham. Get more sleep.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Bite Me, Doc.

I like to think I have a reasonable cage-side manner. I talk in a soothing voice. I handle my patients gently, distract them with yummy treats and belly rubs, and use lots and lots of happy drugs.
But then, you see, I am a vet. And, besides the fact that I genuinely like animals, and like being able to talk to them and give them belly rubs, my patients Bite.
If I stomped into the room, slammed the door behind them, chucked them onto a cold table, poked the sore bit and plunged a needle into it, I would get Bitten. And I would deserve it too.
I think more of us need to bite doctors, to teach them some manners. (Although I'll pass on the belly rub).

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Fim Noir

I think there is only one video store clerk in the world.
Every time I walk in the door, I glance nervously at the counter, hoping that this time there will be someone different there. A pimply faced school-kid. A mumsy type in a flowery dress. A skin-head with a face full of metal and tattoos. I got lucky last time, and came in to find a sleepy Rasta on duty - I squeaked for joy, and instantly grabbed handfuls of rom-coms and feel good flicks. But my luck was shortlived, and this time, its him. Lounging behind the counter, watching 'Dr Strangelove', grungily sexy in his op shop castaways and battered fedora. Damn it!
I grudgingly pick out 'Last Year at Marienbad' and 'Dogville'. I waver for a moment over 'Once': I really want to see it, but despite it initially being shown at a film festival, it was later released in mainstream cinema, so no, it goes back on the shelf. My relaxing night in has just turned into another enlightening evening of the intricacies of Danish cinematography. I wish I could get what I really need to numb my mind and soothe my weary soul, but I can’t face the look of scorn that would appear if I offered up 'Love Actually'.
I hand over my selection, knowing that this time I’m safe.
"There’s a $16 late charge on your account for 'The Jane Austen Book Club', 'PS, I Love You', and '27 Dresses'. Do you want to pay that now?"

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Bad Apple

I hate weight watchers. I was raised on the idea that if you were hungry, you should eat a piece of fruit to tide you over to the next meal. (I was also raised on the clean your plate, bread is evil, and god doesn't like fat kids idea, but that's a whole nuther story). But in weight watchers, fruit carries points. Yoghurt carries even more. And god forbid you even look sideways at a piece of whole-grain bread, lest it smite thee.
I accept the idea of accountability. I relish the idea of balance and moderation. But I can't get over the concept of evil fruit.