So no-one actually told me that a Brazilian was one of those things I had to do before I was thirty. Maybe its not. Maybe everyone just assumed I had already been there, done that. Maybe my friends just prefer not to think about my nether regions (a status quo I am happy to preserve).
But for whatever reason, I veered into "Snip n'Strip" today, and am a Brazilian virgin no more.
Step One - Say the words. Sneak it in there in between another request, if you need to. “I’d like an eyebrow shaping, please, a brazilian, and my upper lip”. See now, these people are professionals, they aren’t going to bat an eyelid. Plenty of women have a little facial hair.
Step Two - Resist the urge to turn and run. You can do this. Everyone up to and probably including Margaret Thatcher has had this done, and realistically, you do need more painful experiences in your personal compendium of Ouch, just so you can compare things with other people. (For example…Brazilian - worse than a tattoo, better than a three year old screaming in the seat next to you on a non-stop from Jakarta to Dehli).
Step Three- Get over the fact that the aesthetician/beautician/sadist is a size 3 and is about to see your inner thighs in all their glory. She’s obviously into pain, she’ll only get more of a kick out of the fact that you are embarrassed.
Step Four - Disrobe. Stare blankly at the moist towelette that she has handed you with the instructions to ’Wipe’, with a vague gesture to the portion of your body between your chin and your knees, realising it was not intended to cover such a large surface area. Oh. Right. Wipe. Gotcha.
Step Five - Discover that the foot of the table faces the door, which opens into a full waiting room, which in turn leads to a crowded shopping mall. Realise this before the Wax Wielding Warrior Princess returns. Wrap yourself tightly in the provided sheet to resemble an Egyptian mummy.
Step Six - Drift into a vague trance, musing on the fact that the Egyptians were one of the first civilisations to wax many parts of the body…wondering what that stuff is in that pot over there….finding out that indeed it is sticky, and doesn’t seem to want to come off your hand….removing any stray hairs from the inside of your left elbow, your right hand, and the sheet in the process.
Step Seven - Attempt not to have a heart attack when Mistress Pain flings the door open. Remember, adrenaline is your friend.
Step Eight - OK, there is no getting around it. This is not going to be dignified. Nothing that involves another person snapping on a pair of blue latex gloves and putting your ankle on their shoulder is intended to be dignified. Close your eyes and think of your happy place.
Step Nine - That buzzing you hear/feel is her using a pair of clippers to remove excess hair. Please come back down from the ceiling.
Step Ten - Yes, that is hot. That is very, very, very hot. That is hot in a place where hot really doesn’t belong. Try to remember that if you attempt to run now, your legs will be glued together with wax, and you will fall into the waiting room (crowded, remember?) like a lassoed calf. A lassoed calf with no pants on. I don’t advise it.
Step Eleven - Happy place, happy place, happy place, happy plAAAWOOOOO HOLY MOTHER OF DEAR FUCK!!!!!!!!!
Step Twelve - Grit your teeth, try to smile, and squeeze out the words “That wasn’t too bad” to Madam Snatch n’Grab when she asks how you are doing. Show no weakness.
Step Thirteen - Repeat steps 10-12 as needed for the duration
Step Fourteen - Try not to look completely bewildered when she asks you to roll over and “spread em” . She is not about to search you for smuggled contraband. You wish.
Step Fifteen - Repeat step eleven, this time with feeling.
Step Sixteen - Thank the nice lady. (she can hear you mumbling under your breath, and for all you know she does speak German. I’m sure her mother is lovely, really.)
Step Seventeen - Pay. No soap, no moisturiser, no nookie. Got it. Smile, you made it, its over, you did good kid.
Step Eighteen - Walk to the door, with the slow realisation that any tiny bits of wax that are left are going to randomly rip any stray hairs/skin you may have left out for the next twenty four hours.
Step Nineteen - Repeat in 4-6 weeks.
